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Should you tell the narcissist how you feel?

If you don't want to read the whole post, let me give you the quick answer:


This is not a long article because it's really very simple, and I know that YOU know deep down why the answer is, "no".

Despite all the well-meaning (ignorant) people who are nudging you to hold hands, have a heart to heart, and sing Kumbaya, DO NOT DO IT! You've tried. You've been there. You've done that. And, NO, whatever special circumstances you think are going to make this time different, it won't make it different. It will never be different. Narcissists are manipulative, calculating, sneaky, and........PREDICTABLE. So, in case you need some reminding (which, you probably do because that's why you're reading this article), I have compiled a list for you of all the reasons you should NOT try to reason with the narcissist(s) in your life and tell them how you feel about something they said/did to you or the state of your relationship with them.

5 Reasons you should NEVER tell the narcissist how you feel

  1. Narcissists are typically not personally accountable for any wrongdoing you suggest they committed. They will make excuses and explain away their actions to make it so they are not actually at fault, and then....

  2. They will accuse you of being the problem. Actually, you hurt them. You were disrespectful/selfish/thoughtless/worrisome, and they have been kind enough to tolerate you without "throwing it back in your face". They will then proceed to throw every offense (real and fabricated) in your face for the remainder of the conversation.

  3. If they are in ANY pain or currently experiencing ANY illness, this conversation will be the perfect time for their ailments to flair up. This may result in their inability to recall details, focus on the conversation, endure the "stress" this encounter is causing them, or continue to be in your presence.

  4. These conversations open you up to experience a TON of gaslighting. You know how it goes. You prepare all your talking points ahead of time. You gather your information and prep yourself to state your case because you're tired of being treated they way you've been treated. Then, here comes the narcissist with all their questions and telling you that you're not remembering correctly and asking if they really said what you're saying they said. Then, you just leave confused and wondering if you were exaggerating or even making the whole thing up. (You weren't.)

  5. You cannot win.

And, to be clear, your definition of winning is different from theirs. To you, a healthy person, a win would be both sides being heard and coming to an agreement, moving forward in peace and understanding. To them, a win means completely annihilating your sanity, putting you back in your place, and instilling a deep fear that will prevent you from ever accumulating enough audacity to initiate this type of conversation ever again.

Stick to your guns. You know what you know. Don't let people with no experience in this arena try to convince you to go against what you are sure of. It's not safe. It's actually cruel, and you would be volunteering yourself to experience brutal abuse that could send you into a spiral for days or weeks (or longer, tbh). Trust your intuition. In my experience, older people and religious people (and older, religious people) tend to be the main ones pushing for "reconciliation", but narcissists cannot be reconciled with. Period.

When you were younger and at their mercy, you had to endure the abuse, but now you are old enough to protect yourself. It is my hope for you that you develop the strength to keep yourself out of the narcissist's reach.

Wishing you peace and healing


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