I grew up with a narcissistic mom. Then I grew up and found myself in oppressive relationships (not romantic) with other narcissists. I'm 33 years old, and I'm just starting to get in touch with who I really am.
What am I doing here?
Last year, my Instagram account exploded. I went viral a few times, and my following jumped up from 700-ish followers to over 15k. I've since shrunk back down to around 12k. So if you go check me out, I'm not lying!! It happened. My audience is just refining itself, and I recently learned that, apparently, IG is really hard to grow on. So.....there's that.
Anyway, I started my account as a generic self-care/wellness account, but I noticed that whenever I posted content about my relationship with my narcissistic mother, my engagement went through the roof. I didn't expect it to be such a hit because I didn't know so many people could relate with me. It's not exactly popular to talk about how evil your mother is/was. But, listening to the people, I continued to post about my experiences with my mother, and that is how my account grew and how this website came to be and how I have an email list and everything. So here we are.
People look to me for advice and inspiration on surviving/escaping/overcoming their relationships with their narcissistic parent(s), and I love holding safe spaces for people. I love helping people realize they possess the power to break free and create a life they love.
In the limelight of social media and "influencer-ship", I felt this pressure to have it all together. Like, I would never lie or exaggerate reality. And I never used beauty filters, even though it was tempting! I wanted to present as my most authentic self. But still, I felt like if I showed all my ugly, no one would take what I was saying seriously. As if 2 things can't be true. Like, I have learned how to act assertively and set boundaries.....aaaaaand I also still get triggered by overly-confident aggressive communicators....and I allow myself to be silenced by them sometimes still. I have grown a LOT. I have overcome a LOT.
And I also still have a long way to go.
Thus, the birth of this blog.
I often have trouble sleeping, and my doctor tells me it's because of my anxiety and hypervigilance. In order to wind down and get thoughts out of my head, she suggested I create a nighttime routine and begin to journal before bed. I've got to be honest. I was overwhelmed at the suggestion. By the end of the day, after work and mom-ing, I feel so emotionally and mentally drained, I cannot imagine taking the time to write and go through an organized routine. I just want to wash my face, brush my teeth, wrap my hair, and CRASH. But then, my little wheels got to turning.
What if I used my journal as a blog? I could document my healing and evolution process. It would give everyone an inside look at the ups and downs of actually putting in the work to overcome the hurt and damage caused by enduring a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. For example, I was on vacation by myself last week. One day, I cried almost the entire day, just reflecting on life and feeling things I had tried to stuff down deep. BUT on that same day, I did something I've been wanting to do for YEARS! I got my nose pierced!! (It hurt SO bad!) I was brave. I was strong. I did something daring!!! I was so proud of myself for being brave. I had a mini selfie photo shoot and sent off the pics to friends...and then 10 minutes after getting back in the car, I was crying and grieving again. Talk about being all over the place. This is the kind of stuff I want to normalize.
I'm supposed to be writing every day anyway, doctor's orders. Why not share it with my community? It would give people better insight to my growth and healing than the 5-15 second reels Instagram promotes. Also! Everyone says, "healing isn't linear", but is anyone really showing what all the twists and turns look like along the way? So that's what I want to do with this blog. I figure it's a 2-birds-1-stone kind of situation. Hopefully getting the thoughts out of my head will help regulate my nervous system before going to sleep, and hopefully one day this blog grows to be bigger than I expected, and I can get paid to do what I love: validate hurting people and provide guidance and inspiration.
That's really why I wanted to have any kind of online presence in the first place: because I knew what it was like to struggle with mental health issues and feel so isolated and alone in that pain. I wanted to share all the deep, dark, and ugly that no one talked about. I wanted to shine light on the things that I didn't see anyone else talking about in order to help others not feel so ashamed and alone.
So with that being said...
If there are any parts of your story or healing that you would like to see talked about or represented, feel free to email me at email@example.com and let me know.
I plan on talking about a lot as I build this blog:
- The depression and anxiety that comes from enduring this abuse
- Learning about what a narcissist is
- Learning that I was actually neglected
- How I felt when my mom died
- What it's like crying over the woman who made my life hell, 6 years after she died
- Being afraid my child wouldn't like me
- Trying to parent differently than how I was parented
- Being jealous of healthy mother-daughter relationships
- Transitioning off of my anti-depressants
- What my narcissistic mom was like during my engagement and wedding
....and sooooooo much more. Really, so much more. I mean, I'm supposed to be writing every day. So, some days will just be like diary/journal entries I suppose.
Anyway, I'm happy to have you here. I hope you'll sign up for my email list so we can stay in touch in a more personal way.
How does one end a blog post?
Til next time.
Thanks for reading.